Over the Edge
by Solas
Summary: An accident caused by Major Shepherd on Atlantis leads to memory loss and some dark times for Dr. McKay as his past and a forgotten present collide.
1. Over the Edge

Over the Edge

Disclaimer: Stargate Atlantis is, apparently, owned by MGM, Gecko and the Sci-Fi channel (the US, not the UK), I'm just borrowing stuff.

Spoilers: Well, everything up to the Eye since that as far as I've actually seen.

Summary: An accident caused by Shepherd on Atlantis leads to memory loss and some dark times for McKay as his past and a forgotten present collide.

NB: As of now this is not a slash story but it will involve definite McKay/Shepherd friendship and angst. If the direction of the story does change, I will advise readers ahead of time. I'm using UK spelling, so expect things like colour instead of color etc.

* * *

"And the sea exploding  
With no bottom, or anything on the other side of it,  
Whitened by the faces of the drowned"

* * *

McKay was standing on the balcony of the grounding station when disaster struck. Disaster in the form of Major Shepherd and his attempts to aid Rodney in the repair of the station in the aftermath of the Genii. McKay had left the Major just inside the door at a control panel trying to activate different parts of the grounding station to check what was still working and what wasn't.

After an hour and a half McKay gave up in frustration and went to stand at the outer edge of the balcony, leaning on the rail. He was lost in thought about the past few days, the Genii, his near death experience at the hands of Koyla and of course, what he perceived as his own personal cowardice, telling Koyla about his plan to save the city.

No-one had said anything of course, no accusations, no sneering remarks, but he could see it in the way they looked at him, in the way they whispered to one another when he walked by. They all believed he was a coward, a selfish, egotistical coward and most importantly of all, he believed it too. He'd been a coward before he ever set foot through a stargate.

His despondent thoughts were broken by Major Shepherd's shout.

"I think I've got something!"

McKay only had time enough to turn around and let go of the balcony before the effects of what the Major had activated took hold. The balcony he'd just been leaning on a second before retracted down into the balcony floor, and the balcony itself began to retract back into Atlantis, the floor sliding in under the grounding station.

McKay managed to yell "Major" as he lost his balance on the moving floor and fell backwards and down, under the water.

He went under immediately, the water rushing upon him almost eagerly. He didn't hear Shepherd shout his name, as his voice was drowned out by the sheer volume of the ocean.

It took McKay a few seconds to come out of his shock and react to the new situation. A few seconds too many as he had sunk down far under the water. He started to kick in reaction, kick upwards towards the surface, but his sense of direction was confused, and he couldn't tell up from down.

* * *

On the surface, at the edge of the grounding station, was the Major, his radio in one hand calling for assistance and his eyes trained on the water, searching out any sign of McKay's position. The waves coming in from the ocean were higher suddenly, as if the tide had changed. As a second wave crashed over him, and his grip on the edge of the station loosened, he pulled back a little from the edge.

Less than two minutes had gone by since McKay had fallen in, but it was two minutes too many. Shepherd knew that he needed to surface for air soon. He considered jumping in after him, but unless he had some idea of where McKay was, taking such an action would be futile.

"C'mon McKay, surface, surface, get back up here, that's an order" He whispered these words again and again as he stared out at the hostile ocean.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the few seemingly everlasting seconds that had passed since his plunge, McKay had stopped kicking around in a circle and had tried to suss out which way was up, or more precisely, where the light was. His lungs were straining and burning and his now oxygen deprived brain was having trouble telling light from dark, or maybe it was the fact that Atlantis itself seemed to reflect light. Nevertheless, knowing he had no time to waste, he kicked towards what he hoped was the surface.

Kick, kick, kick. His mind kept up the chant, as he struggled and strained. 'Don't open your mouth, don't breathe in the water, don't open you mouth.' He could remember the many times in the past few months when people had told him to shut his mouth. Whether it be because of his complaining, his boasting, his babbling or just because they didn't like the sound of his voice.

* * *

Shepherd meanwhile was on the radio to Ford, relaying his position to whoever it was Ford had grabbed to pilot the jumper. He was in the middle of telling them for the third time to hurry up when he saw Rodney's head break the surface, to his right, a good distance away. Without hesitation, having already pulled off his shoes and jacket in preparation, he dived into the water after him.

His first thoughts were that it was cold, so cold. McKay was over a hundred metres away, and Shepherd took a few seconds to orientate himself before striking off towards him.

* * *

McKay was overwhelmed with relief to reach the surface, to reach oxygen. Oh how he loved oxygen. His lungs strained to take in as much as possible, to rid his body of the stingingly painful lactic acid in all his muscles. The weight of his wet clothes pulled on him now that he had surfaced, trying to drag him down into the deep.

He wasn't out of danger yet though and this became more immediately apparent when a wave caught hold of him and surged towards the outer wall of Atlantis. McKay didn't even have time to react as he was thrown head first against the wall. Crying out in pain, his mouth filled with water and he went under again.

All of a sudden he surfaced, spluttering and coughing, as the wave dissipated and he was once again threading water. Hearing a muffled shout, caught on the wind and he looked around frantically for the source. He thought he saw a head bobbing in the water, and then heard the familiar sound of a Jumper, but all thoughts of rescue fled from his mind as another wave, bigger this time, shoved him with overwhelming force, towards the reinforced wall of the Atlantian fortress. He felt the impact as his head slammed into the wall, and then his thought faded into blackness.

* * *

Major Shepherd had seen McKay slam into the wall the first time and a few seconds later saw him resurface. He shouted to him, trying to warn him to swim out from the wall, and Rodney turned around, searching as if he'd heard his voice. As the next wave grabbed hold of Rodney, Shepherd put all his effort into reaching McKay.

He surfaced near where he'd last seen the scientist, but there was no sign of him.

"McKay!" he shouted. "Rodney!!"

He heard the jumper overhead, but focused on finding McKay. Seeing something out of the corner of his eye he turned. McKay's body, floating horizontally on the water, was just a few metres away. It took him only seconds to reach the scientist and pull him vertical, pulling his head up and trying to ignore the reddish colour of the water.

He turned to see the Jumper coming in close behind him. It came closer and closer and suddenly hands were reaching out to pull McKay from him, and then returning to pull him inside too.

He was wrapped in blankets immediately, heat conserving, military issue blankets. McKay had been lain flat on the floor and someone was bent over his mouth, breathing into him while a second person pressed down on his chest, counting each compression out loud.

Shepherd waited for the inevitable to happen. For Rodney to wake suddenly, coughing and spluttering and spitting out a pool of water, but as the Jumper lowered into the hanger, Rodney was still lying there motionless while people tried vainly to bring him back to life.

Major Shepherd tried to ignore the blood near McKay head, as someone else pressed a towel to the wound. He tried to ignore the blood on the hands of the person giving him mouth to mouth. Most importantly he tried to ignore the blood on his own hands, from when he lifted Rodney McKay out of the water.

'Not dead. He's not dead' These words he repeated in his head, over and over, like an mantra. If he kept saying it, as long as he kept saying it, it would be true. Rodney McKay could not die. Shepherd wouldn't let him.

Beckett was there, as the Jumper landed and the rear door opened. He didn't say anything, not even his customary 'bloody hell'. He just went very pale and started issuing commands, like any good military commander, or any good doctor.

John Shepherds final view of Rodney McKay was him being wheeled away on a trolley, surrounded by medics, the doctor, nurses, one of whom had taken over giving compressions, while another held an oxygen mask over McKay's face.

And then they were gone, disappearing through the doors. Shepherd, shivering and covered in blankets, with shocked people hovering around him in concern, could only stare after them and whisper quietly "What have I done?"

* * *

Well, what do you think? Reviews and/or constructive criticism very welcome!!

The quote at the beginning is from the poem Finisterre by Sylvia Plath


	2. Shattered Dreams

Over the Edge

Disclaimer, Spoilers, Summary: See first chapter

Thank you for all the lovely reviews, I was really, really happy with the response to the first chapter.

Also, thank you to Eliabrith for bringing my attention to retracting 'balcony/railing' error!

Chapter Two: Shattered Dreams

* * *

"A man in my shoes runs a light, 

All the papers lie tonight,

But falling over you

is the news of the day"

* * *

'Concentrate, John, concentrate!' He mentally berated himself for not paying enough attention to what McKay had originally told him to do. He thought it would just be the normal 'activate A, and B happens'. Instead, it was more like going through a long row of Christmas tree lights, testing every single light to find the broken one. 

He felt as if he'd been here for hours. Days even. And then he found something. It was something new, a mental switch he hadn't activated before. He called out to Dr. McKay as he activated it, sure that he had found what they were looking for.

And then he heard McKay's voice shouting back to him.

"That's it Major, the auxiliary relays, we may yet get back in time for lunch."

He peered around the control panel, out onto the grounding station and there was McKay, his back to him, fiddling around with wires and computers, within seconds becoming completely absorbed in his work.

And he knew that if he walked around him and caught sight of his face, he wouldn't be able to help smiling at the intense look of concentration he would see on the scientists face.

And suddenly it was raining, and he was cold and wet. He reached out to catch the rain, and he stared in horror and astonishment as, instead of rain, red drops of blood splattered on to his hands.

Raising his head to see Rodney, his voice caught in his throat at the sight in front of him. McKay was now lying on his back, blood on his face and pooling around his head. Still, so still.

Shepherd let out a strangled cry and moved towards him.

The scene dissolved before his eyes and he awoke, sitting up in bed in the infirmary, a concerned nurse at his side, shushing him and gently pressing him back down onto the pillows.

The memories of what had happened flooded into him as he woke up and he spoke the first word that came into his head, "Rodney?"

The nurse only patted him on the shoulder and reassured him again that Dr. Beckett would be in to talk to him soon. He didn't know what time it was, or how long he'd been there. In fact, he could barely remember coming to the infirmary from the Jumper bay. Probably the combined shock and exhaustion, and hypothermia from the freezing cold ocean he had been flailing around in.

He should have gone in after him straight away. He shouldn't have waited, leaving McKay to fend for himself like that. What the hell was he thinking?

The Athosian children had called him a hero because he'd been brave enough to take on the Wraith. Some hero he was now, not even brave enough to jump into the water to save someone.

Somewhere in the back of his fatigued mind he knew it wasn't true, that the fact that he hadn't dived in to the water immediately had nothing to do with bravery, but he was too exhausted to process these new thoughts and too overwhelmed by guilt to rationalise anything.

He must have drifted off again, and he woke this time to the sound of Beckett's voice and a gentle shaking of his shoulder.

He opened his eyes and saw the doctor peering down at him in concern.

"How is he, Doc?" His voice was raspy, and quieter than he'd intended. Beckett's reply was quiet, his voice gentle and even toned. Reassuring, like the way a parent talks to an ill child.

"We've stopped the bleeding from his head wound but he's on a ventilator, he hasn't started breathing for himself yet. He being monitored in the Intensive Care room. We're hopeful he'll make a full recovery"

Shepherd could tell that there was something that Beckett is not telling him. He stared at him questioningly until the doctor broke eye contact. The something was bad, very bad.

"What is it? What's wrong?" His voice sounded panicked and high pitched, strange to his own ears. Doctor Beckett's hand had moved to his mouth as he contemplated whatever it was he was about to tell Shepherd.

"There might be brain damage."

The world stood still. Just for a second, a moment, a blink of an eye. The time it takes for someone to fall head over heels in love. Or for someone to die.

When Shepherd didn't react to his first statement, Beckett continued.

"There was possible oxygen deprivation, between being in the water and the resuscitation attempts in the puddle jumper. We had to restart his heart. He also seems to have suffered head injuries while he was in the water. His head must have hit the outer wall fairly hard. Luckily we haven't seen any swelling on the MRI scan, so there's no immediate life-threatening risk. We have to wait for him to wake up and start breathing independently before we know what damage was done."

The Major was shocked into silence, still reeling from the doctors first statement. He couldn't quite get his head around it. Brain. Damage. They were two ordinary words really, but put them together and suddenly they brought up all kinds of frightening possibilities. And each of these possibilities, in some way or another, meant that the McKay lying in the next room was not the McKay who'd saved all their lives just two days ago.

He barely registered Beckett's words as he suggested that Shepherd get some rest and that if he needed anything to ask the nurse. He stared into space for a while, trying not to contemplate all the horrible realities behind the words 'brain damage'.

He didn't even notice Weir's presence until she moved directly into his line of sight. She gave him a small joyless smile, and enquired how he was. He could feel the worry she exuded. Like a magnetic field surrounding her. Or an aura the colour of a grey, thunderous sky, identical to his own.

She didn't stay long, squeezing his hand in reassurance, giving him a few meaningless words of comfort. He was surprised not to see any blame in her eyes but, then again, he wasn't sure that she knew it was his fault.

He couldn't remember if he had managed to explain what had happened when they had brought him into the infirmary. He vaguely remembered babbling something about the balcony, and McKay falling into the water, but not the specifics. For all he knew, he had told them that Rodney had swum off with pink dolphins holding green polka dotted umbrellas and singing 'glory, glory, hallelujah'.

After Weir left, he settled back down to sleep, figuring that it was the quickest way to pass the time until Rodney woke up. He tried not to think 'if'. There was no 'if'. Rodney would wake up, he wouldn't miss a chance to spend forever and a day guilt tripping Shepherd for almost killing him.

It was only a matter of when.

* * *

As the Major drifted off to sleep, Dr. Beckett was in the next room, sitting on a stool next to McKay's bed. The hissing sound of the ventilator filled the room. At this moment it was keeping Rodney alive, keeping up the gaseous exchange in his blood.

But it wasn't enough. Rodney needed to wake up, to breathe for himself. Though the ventilator could keep him alive indefinitely, Beckett knew that it wouldn't. McKay had a 'no extraordinary means' note in his medical file, which meant that eventually, if he didn't recover, life support would have to be turned off.

"Come on Rodney, you're more stubborn than this, fight it man, fight it!"

Even in his unconscious state, some of Beckett's word filtered into McKay's brain, adding to the already present chaos. Neurons were firing, talking to other neurons, trying to make sense of the confusion.

The medulla, the part of Rodney's brain that usually controlled his breathing, had stopped when Rodney drowned, but was now attempting to restart. Other parts of his brain were in trouble, his hippocampus no longer able to retrieve all the information it needed.

Rodney himself, his consciousness, was somewhere deep and dark, smothered, drowning. He was caught in what seemed like a never-ending nightmare with no light at the end of such a long tunnel.

* * *

Authors brief note: I hope you enjoyed it this chapter, constructive criticism is always welcome! 

The repetition of 'And' during Shepherd's dream was intentional and the quotes at the beginning of the chapter were from the song "The Ghost in You" originally by the Psychedelic Furs, though the Counting Crows version is more what I had in mind.


	3. Of night and light and the half light

Over the Edge

Disclaimer, Spoilers, Summary: See first chapter

Again, thank you all so much for the wonderful reviews, I hope the story continues to entertain you!

My update was delayed because I wasn't well, so I have joined chapters three and four together.

NW - much as I would love to fill in that gap for you, it would require the inclusion of fourth character's pov (since Shepherd himself was in shock and doesn't remember). That, and the chronology of the story prevent me from writing that part, but I'll try and make up for it!

PurpleYin - you're right, memory loss is a good plot device, but it's also easily misused, so one has to tread carefully.

Antares Star - my small details and I appreciate your conscientious reading!

NB: As I mentioned in chapter 1, this is not a slash story (and probably won't be, Kate) but it will involve definite McKay/Shepherd friendship and angst. This story is rated PG-13, so I just wanted to mention that I only use strong language as little as possible and only when I feel the situation (emotional or otherwise) is extreme enough to warrant it.

* * *

Chapter 3 : "Of night and light and the half-light"

* * *

"To know the darkness is to love the light,  
to welcome dawn and fear the coming night."

* * *

The darkness seemed everlasting. The night a thousand earth nights long. 

Rodney McKay was lost, hopelessly lost in the recesses of his mind.

Thoughts seemed to swirl unbidden through his head, fleeting glimpses of colour, sound and light, glorious light.

Head for the light, swim for the light. That's where the air is, with the light, you can breathe once you've reached the light.

His eyes opened, and he coughed, choking and breathing, before falling once more into darkness.

* * *

"Major?" 

"Major Shepherd?"

"John?"

John awoke to the sound of Dr. Beckett's Scottish accent as he called through the door to John's room.

As he pulled himself out of bed and stumbled towards the door, he could hear the doctor grumbling about genes and door panels. The door opened without warning and Beckett jumped as he came face to face with Shepherd.

"Ah, there you are. I was worried when you didn't answer my knocks. How are you feeling lad?"

Shepherd ran a tired hand over his face and tried unsuccessfully to hide a yawn.

"I've been better. How's Rodney? Any change?"

Beckett had more or less confined the major to his quarters for seven hours on orders to get some rest. He'd tried to refuse, wanting to wait until Rodney woke up. A quick glance at the watch he'd forgotten to take off confirmed that only four hours had passed since he'd left the infirmary.

"Why don't we go inside?"

At Beckett's suggestion Shepherd stepped back from the door, allowing the doctor to enter. Beckett sat on the chair by the wall, while John sat opposite him on the edge of his bed.

"He woke up, briefly. He didn't stay conscious for all that long, but he has started breathing for himself again and we've removed the ventilator. He wasn't very lucid while he was awake and didn't seem aware of his surroundings at all. But that is only to be expected from the medication we had him on."

There was a pause as Beckett allowed Shepherd to assimilate the information.

"This is good news, major. Especially so that he's breathing independently. The next forty-eight hours or so will be very telling, at the moment it's very much a case of wait and see."

Yeah, Shepherd thought to himself.

Wait and see if Rodney wakes up again.

Wait and see if Rodney still had higher brain function.

Wait and see if Rodney McKay, astrophysicist and probable genius, can still remember his own name, spell it, write it, pronounce it backwards.

He hated the waiting game.

"Anyway Major, I just thought you'd want to know. Try and get some rest. I'll let you know if his condition changes.

* * *

Three hours later Shepherd was trying to convince Dr. Beckett to let him in to sit with McKay. Just for a while, for a few minutes. Enough to convince Shepherd that McKay was really still with them and not the dead bloody mess he seemed to be the last time John had seen him. 

Beckett finally relented, but gave him firm instructions on not upsetting himself and warning him how Rodney wasn't going to look exactly normal since he was hooked up to lots of monitors and drips and his head was bandaged.

Shepherd steeled himself for a scary looking McKay and headed into the room. A nurse was with Rodney, checking his monitors and writing figures onto his chart. She gave John a small smile as she left, but Shepherd could see the worry in her eyes. He knew that that same worry was reflected in his own eyes, worry and guilt, because this was all his fault.

Taking a military issue chair from the corner of the room, he moved it next to Rodney's bedside and sat down. It was only then that he let himself look at his friend, examine him, notice every detail. The paleness of Rodney's skin as he lay there, almost motionless, his chest rising and falling, thankfully, by itself. Monitors beeped constantly around him, like a dawn chorus, but Rodney slept through it.

Three different bags of solutions were being fed via an infuser through an intravenous drip. Rodney was also being given oxygen through a nasal canula.

Shepherd closed his eyes, trying to prevent himself seeing the state of the person in front of him. Beckett was right, it was scary, seeing Rodney like this.

Shepherd opened his eyes again and leaned forward in his chair, his head in his hands. The monitors kept up their beeping, saying with each clear note that this man was alive.

He reached over and took hold of McKay's hand, the one without any needles poking into it. He sighed mentally. McKay didn't particularly like needles, especially the intravenous ones. He had told Shepherd that when the major was recovering after the wraith creature had latched on to his neck and he'd died and all.

Rodney had come to visit the next day and had stayed for a while, keeping him company, talking about anything and everything, including intravenous needles like the one Shepherd had had in his arm at the time. And now the situation was reversed and it was him sitting at Rodney's bedside.

McKay's hand felt cold, so Shepherd wrapped both his hands around it.

"I'm so sorry Rodney" He whispered the words.

There was no reply, only the almost comforting beeps of the monitors.

He continued, "I never meant for this to happen, never. I shouldn't have been so careless. If only I'd listened when you told me about the station, if only I'd made sure where you were before I'd activated it, you wouldn't be here now."

He held back the tears that threatened to overwhelm him. Pushed back the surfacing guilt. This wasn't the time for blame, wasn't the time for tears. It was time to focus on Rodney's getting better, on his making a full recovery. On his waking up.

Up until then, the heart monitor, like all the others, had been beeping along in consistent sequence. Now it changed, quickened, alarmed, changing from it's chant of alive, alive, to alert, alert.

John shouted for Beckett, pressed the alarm next to Rodney's bed. And then looked down at Rodney, whose hand he had let go of. Confused, scared blue eyes stared back at him.

* * *

"Now take my hand and hold it tight.

I will not fail you here tonight.

For failing you, I fail myself

And place my soul upon a shelf

In hell's library, without light.

I will not fail you here tonight."

* * *

"Rodney?"

The blue eyes blinked, then looked towards the door as Beckett and his team rushed in.

Carson stopped just inside the door, taking in the scene before him. He quickly moved to check the monitors, and gently but firmly pushed Shepherd towards the far wall. Shepherd didn't protest.

Beckett checked the monitors, resetting the still alarming heart monitor. It returned to it's former beeping. He turned his attention to the confused man lying on the bed.

"How are you feeling Rodney? You've been in a bit of an accident, you fell into the water and hit you head. Do you remember that Rodney?"

There was a pause as Rodney seemed to consider his words. He closed his eyes briefly then on opening them, tried to speak.

"Where.... where am I?" His voice was coarse and he was wheezing slightly.

"You're in the ICU room in the infirmary, lad. It's good to have you back with us."

His eyes still looked confused, his gaze wandered round the room to take in the medical equipment, the other members of staff standing near the door, and finally noticing Shepherd where he leaned against the wall.

Shepherd smiled at him, but Rodney only frowned then mumbled something.

"What was that Rodney?" Beckett leaned forward to hear.

"My head hurts."

Beckett nodded sympathetically

"Aye, I'm sure it does lad, you gave it quite a knock. You're already on a fair bit of pain medication, we'll give you some more in an hour or so. Perhaps you'd like some water?"

McKay's eyes closed tiredly, and he nodded. One of the nurses fetched some water, and Beckett held the straw to McKay's mouth for him to take a few sips.

Exhaustedly McKay closed his eyes and Beckett gestured for the medical staff and Shepherd to leave the room. He followed them out a minute later.

"He's fallen asleep. We should let him get some rest. The fact that he has woken up again and spoken to us is a good sign. He should, bar any major setbacks, recover completely. We'll keep him under close observation though, and we'll bring him for another MRI in..", he consulted his watch, "an hour or so"

As the medical team left to pursue other matters, Beckett turn to head towards his office.

"I want to stay with him"

Beckett turned to face Shepherd. To the Major's surprise, he nodded his head in agreement. "It might be a good idea that you do stay, in case he wakes up again. A familiar face would be a good idea. I'll have one of the nursing staff relieve you in a few hours so you can get some rest."

Shepherd started to thank the doctor, but Carson waved him off. "You're a good friend to Rodney, John, and no-one blames you for what happened. "

* * *

Two hours and one MRI scan later, Shepherd was sitting next to Rodney's bed, chewing on a protein bar the nurse had brought him. Ford and Teyla had come by to check on Rodney, as had Weir and Zalenka. Beckett had come in every half hour and had informed John that there was no sign of swelling or clots in Rodney's scan.

The second time Rodney awoke there was a lot less panic. He didn't set off the heart monitor alarm this time, and John was so deep in thought that he didn't notice Rodney's wakefulness immediately.

It was only when McKay moved his arm to reach the cup of water sitting on the bedside locker that Shepherd was alerted to the fact that he was awake.

"Hey there, let me get that for you"

Shepherd picked up the styrofoam cup half filled with water and helped Rodney take a few sips through the straw. He considered going to get Beckett, but he didn't want to leave McKay alone.

"How are you feeling? We've all been very worried"

Rodney looked puzzled by the question and countered it with a few of his own.

"Where... who.... what's going on?"

Shepherd smiled at him. "The infirmary, remember? You hit your head, got a little drowned, and Beckett patched you up."

The answer seemed to only agitate Rodney and he tried to sit up.

"No, no you've got to lay down Rodney, you're not well enough to get up."

Shepherd tried to gently push McKay back into a horizontal position, but he resisted.

"Who.. who are you? Where am I? What are you doing to me?"

Rodney continued to resist against John attempts to get him to lie down. Shepherd hesitated a second before reaching up and pushing the emergency button next to the bed.

He turned back to the bed and placed his hands on McKay's shoulders. To his dismay, Rodney flinched at the contact and struggled, trying to push his hands away.

"Let me go, please... let go of me." Blue eyes looked up at him, imploringly.

"Rodney, it's okay, everything's going to be okay." He recalled one of McKay's earlier questions.

"I'm John, remember, Major John Sheppard. We're on Atlantis. You're a member of my team, have been for quite a while now. We're friends Rodney, it's okay. Just try and relax"

Scared blue eyes stared at him uncomprehendingly.

Dr. Beckett duly arrived and immediately came to Shepherd's aid.

"Now Rodney, you've got to lie back. It's too soon to be exerting yourself. Try and relax, we've got you, everything is under control."

After more cajoling, they managed to get Rodney relatively calm and lying back on the bed. Exhausted from the effort, he drifted back into an uneasy sleep.

Beckett shepherded John out of the room and after sending a nurse in to stay with Rodney, brought John to his office.

They both sat down and a tense silence passed between them. Finally Beckett spoke.

"John, what the bloody hell happened in there?"

Beckett could see the worry, guilt and more importantly, the fear in John's eyes. He was physically and mentally exhausted and looked as if his worst nightmare had just come true.

"He doesn't know who I am." John croaked out. Beckett waited for him to continue.

"When he woke up, he kept asking who I was, where he was. He didn't seem to understand what was going on. He didn't remember, not the infirmary, not the drowning, not Atlantis, not me. He was so confused and scared out of his wits."

Shepherd held his head in his hands, and took some deep, slow breaths.

"He was so fucking scared." He could feel the tears behind his eyes, threatening to overwhelm him.

He didn't notice that Beckett had moved, not until he felt the mans hand resting on his shoulder.

"It's alright John, it's going to be alright."

John looked at him over his shoulder, fixing him with an accusing glare.

"How? How is it going to be alright? How can Rodney McKay not remembering any of this.." he gestured around the room as he spoke, "... be alright?"

"I don't know, lad, I don't know yet. But it will be."

At that moment the emergency alarm sounded. Beckett ran out the door, closely followed by Shepherd.

The nurse that had been watching McKay was standing by the door, saline bag in hand, "I just went to get another bag...I" Carson pushed past her into the room, Shepherd on his heels.

The bed was empty. Rodney McKay was gone.

Beckett turned to face Shepherd and, without a word, they ran out of the room, the same thought in both their minds.

Where was Rodney?

* * *

Authors ever-so-brief note: The chapter title is from W.B. Yeats poem "He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven". The quotes were both from Dean Koontz's "The book of Counted Sorrows". If anyone is wondering how McKay, being so hurt and all, got out of bed, remember: fear creates adrenaline, which gives people extra strength and stamina, but only temporarily. 


End file.
